


Error

by HisOceanEyes



Series: A villain of my own mind [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, BAMF Loki (Marvel), BAMF Steve Rogers, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Bottom Loki (Marvel), Bury a corpse, Caring Steve Rogers, Dark Loki (Marvel), Dark Steve Rogers, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Delusions, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Frigga Needs a Hug (Marvel), Frigga could do better, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Steve Rogers, Kidnapping, Loki & Sif Friendship (Marvel), Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki loves Steve Rogers, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Jane Foster/Thor, Minor Loki/Thor (Marvel), Murder, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Oral Sex, Partners in Crime, Protective Frigga (Marvel), Protective Steve Rogers, Rape/Non-con Elements, Revenge, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Sexual Assault, Sibling Incest, Sif needs a hug, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Sorry Not Sorry, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers loves Loki, Suicidal Thoughts, Thor is a bastard, Thor is a jerk, Top Steve Rogers, Twisted, Violence, Violent Sex, frostshield - Freeform, stoki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:41:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28661883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HisOceanEyes/pseuds/HisOceanEyes
Summary: Sunlights stream so warmly through the window into the notebook where Loki is writing on. He finishes the last sentence, closes his eyes and sinks in the warmness of the afternoon golden sun for a few minutes, then standing up, grabbing a knife, and leaving the bedroom. He is certain Steven will understand and forgive him for what he is going to do, he is sure about that. It is going to hurt Steven, but everything will all be alright, Loki assures himself.He has all the rights to blame Thor for ruining everything, even until now. Loki's grip tightens the knife handle, he must end this.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~In which darkness will swallow all of them.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~⚠️This fiction is half based on true stories of the author's and someone else's lives - who the author knows. It consists of drug use, mental health issues, non-con, and murder. Please carefully consider before you read.⚠️Of course, we didn't commit homicide in real life. Don't be alarmed 😂
Relationships: Loki & Odin (Marvel), Loki & Sif (Marvel), Loki & Thor (Marvel), Loki/Steve Rogers, Loki/Thor (Marvel), Steve Rogers & Thor
Series: A villain of my own mind [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2087745
Comments: 37
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Well, after publishing a ridiculously short chapter, I decided to lengthen and edit it. 
> 
> I could have written a lot of chapters if I hadn't been so giddy, but video games were so addictive, damn it! 
> 
> The original was written as a first-person point of view in my mother tongue, it was an one short, and I am rewriting it English now, third-person point of view is being used. 
> 
> Also, I decided to add more detail to it. 
> 
> Steve is 21
> 
> Hela is 29, Thor is 25, and Loki is 18. (In the original, I didn't mention these three's age but I remembered I didn't plan their ages that gap.)
> 
> Just consider the hashtags before reading it. Thank you.
> 
> *
> 
> Edit: I changed Loki’s age, it'd be better and easier for me if he was a college student.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki discovers his true lineage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, because of the heaviness of this story, I think I should write a little summary for each chapter in case you unintentionally read something you do not like.
> 
> Please inspect the hashtags (and the chapter summaries) first.

Sunlights stream so warmly through the window into the notebook where Loki is writing on. He finishes the last sentence, closes his eyes and sinks in the warmness of the afternoon golden sun for a few minutes, then standing up, grabbing a knife, and leaving the bedroom. He is certain Steven will understand and forgive him for what he is going to do, he is sure about that. It is going to hurt Steven, but everything will all be alright, Loki assures himself.

He has all the rights to blame Thor for ruining everything, even until now. Loki's grip tightens the knife handle, he must end this.

* * *

The dream violently jerks Loki awake, his eyes are white and glassy, his mind is vacant, his forehead soaks with sweat, some scenarios from the nightmare are still lingering around his head like shadowy ghosts. In his dream, Loki was about to kill someone, he was about to let his hands stained in blood. There was a handwriting letter or something he left for someone else. He was in... somewhere that he is pretty sure it was not this house. Such an odd dream.

Loki glances at the electric clock on the nightstand, it is 4 a.m now, it is plenty of time until he gets to the school, but it seems like he cannot sleep anymore, partly due to his fear of having that kind of nightmare again, so Loki grabs his phone and distracts himself to kill the time instead.

* * *

This family is famous and reputable in America, both his parents and siblings are well-known actors and actresses. Odin and Frigga are known as a powerful and senior celebrity couple, their oldest children, Hela and Thor, also followed their step and joined Hollywood very early, gaining lots of fame and awards that one will possibly wonder how they could achieve those things so fast. Well, the apple never falls far from the tree, they say. Only Loki is still a student.

When Loki was younger, Odin beat him almost every time he did something wrong, the man would shout at Loki that he was an abomination, an illegitimate child, which Odin never used to scold Hela and Thor when they misbehaved. And during the time Loki was being beaten and shouted at, Hela (only if she accidentally entered the living room where child abuse happened) just said "forgive him this time" but did not care spending a second to stop their father, she went straight to her room instead, sometimes Loki wondered if Odin could hear her. About Thor, the guy would head straight out of the house, roaming around the city in his sport car with some of his chicks, acting like he gave a shit about anything. Odin always apologised his kid in the aftermath of his anger, saying that he did not mean to say those crude words and giving him a little gift. Loki did not mind though, also did not loathe his father for that, he did not mind his siblings as well, everyone in this house, except his mother, tended (still tend) to keep their nose out of things that did not (do not) really bother them. The beatings have somewhat lessened since Loki grows older. But until now, he still sticks to the thought that maybe Odin treats him a little bit different because Loki is the youngest son and Frigga pampers him too much, so his father needs to be stern and rigid. Odin does love him, Loki can tell, his father still has a normal attitude towards him, except when he is angry, which often happened in the past. And it was purposely forming Frigga a habit not to leave her youngest alone in their home every time she had business trips, which meant Loki would go with her instead of staying at home with his father.

* * *

One afternoon, when finding some books in the family library, so annoyingly that those books are on the top, too high, and Loki has to reach for them. He mistakenly drags some other books fall down, one of them falls to the ground and opens, exposing a variety of papers. Taking a proper look, he realises it is not a book but an office file folder, Loki abashedly attempts to gather them and put the file back before his parents can find out, the adults in this house do not like children touching their works.

It could have been done quickly and nothing would have happened if Loki had not noticed his birth certificate, his DNA test result, and a paternity test result, the paper states that Odin is not his biological father.

What?

Loki’s mind goes blank, abruptly he is unable to digest what the meaning of those simple words are. For a good long moment, he just stares at them as though they are the most peculiar English words he has ever read. And when his head is clear a bit, Loki rapidly searches for other papers, hoping to find some proof that this is just a rude trick but who could have made such a joke like this? Out of the numerous papers, he gets Hela's, Thor's, and Odin's DNA tests in which the results are completely matched. Three out of four results are matched. This is so strange, this is the most surreal thing in his life... ever...

Loki cannot comprehend this, his head is whirling as tons of thoughts vie for digging into the deepest of his mind. His eyes sweep pointlessly at those papers, they stop at another birth certificate, a copy one, not Frigga's, Loki picks it up with a shaking hand, the paper is lifted, revealing a picture of a man he does not know, under the picture are, again, another DNA test result. Things are becoming weirder and weirder, Loki has gotten used to plot twists in many movies but this is too much to bear. 'Laufey' is possibly the name of the man, Loki is not certain, yet his DNA ridiculously matches with this man.

Loki starts rummaging among the papers in frenzied efforts, trying to dig some sense out of this senselessness. What he does not expect the most comes out - a divorce certificate of his mother and the strange man Laufey, an arrangement that Laufey must not make any contact with the Odin family, along with some records proving Loki is his biological son, also details about his current address. Loki's face turns white, he just sits there with a blank expression, genuinely does not remember how to express what he is feeling right now. His eyes fall back at the picture of the man, as Loki observes closer, he has to admit that he and Laufey look alike.

They really look alike.

He hears footsteps approaching, as he lifts his head, it is his mother standing in the doorway, her face is a mask of shock mingling with apprehension as she realises what kind of papers her youngest son is reading.

"Loki..."

Frigga tries to speak, but right before any other words can slip out of her lips, Loki has already managed to pull himself up on his feet and run pass her and rush off the house.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suicidal thoughts, identity issues. Loki receives a gift from a drug dealer, he does drugs and gets high.

Loki runs, he is clueless about where he is running, he just runs. Tears stream down his cheeks as everything starts to sink in. This could have been not a big deal if they had told him from the beginning, yet they buried the truth and played a family game with him. Now Loki understands why Odin always used the words illegitimacy or bastardy to scold him, why Odin favours Hela and Thor, why Frigga always had to take him along with her, why his parents argued in Odin's study room every time after he was beaten. He is not his son, that is the only reason. Yet all whole years Loki believed Odin really loved him.

A car honks, awaking Loki up from his thoughts, he startled frantically, a man sticks his head out of his car's window and yells "What the fuck, kid? Wanna die or something? Fuck off!"

And Loki realises he has unconsciously jumped into a busy road, vehicles are rapidly going by. He quickly makes his way to the pavement and just stands there looking around, thinking if ending his life by approaching in the middle of the road again is a good solution, he currently does not want to go back to that house anymore, does not want to see those people's faces anymore, also does not know where to go or what to do, so the best plan (and always the best backup plan) for this situation is to kill himself.

Yet he stands still at his spot for two hours or so, just doing nothing but watching his surroundings. The sun is setting, the twilight sky looks so sorrowful, Loki dislikes these views for that, when you are not okay, the sunset just dramatically boosts your sadness to a new greater level, and Loki is totally not okay at all. His world is shattering and falling like poison rain, corroding and gnawing Loki to the core.

He begins to pace, not even knowing his destination, he just walks along the street like that until the moon is already at its highest. When his senses come back, Loki finds himself at a deserted and cold alley, his legs are tired of walking, Loki sits down on the ground, bringing his knees to his chest, and loosely wrapping his arms around them. He buries his face into his knees and weeps again, the pain is too much for an eighteen kid to bear, the poor soul has never thought he would have to deal with identity issues one day, he did not prepare for this, no one is ready for this sort of thing.

The empty alley is a good thing to say at the least because no one can see how pathetic Loki is right now, he does not need a mirror to tell that he is covered in dirt and sweat. Yet the allay is not really deserted as Loki thinks, he hears footsteps getting nearer and stopping, maybe in front of him or so. Not even bother to look up, Loki’s mind automatically paints a picture of him being killed or abused by a punk. Yeah... Only punks loiter around these dark streets, and those woeful losers with daddy issue like him as well. Whatever, Loki is fatigued and can careless anyway, he does not mind if this stranger wants to do anything to him, still, he has no intention to lift his head to have a look at the person, crying continuously is better.

"Hey yo, what's up, man?"

Comes a muscular voice, Loki knows it, knows that is a man, he peeks up, just to see a gangster, a contented one. Before he can even say anything, the man continues, realising how young Loki is.

"You look like hell, boy. Oh shit, I didn't think this was children's playground."

Loki assumes the last mock sentence is a threat and he decides to say nothing at the end, just sniffing with tears spilling out of his eyes over and over again.

The man, getting that maybe this young pathetic boy here has had an argument with his parents or something, looks like the kid is in his puberty. His brain can deduce nothing more than that, what the hell is a kid doing if he does not get mad at his parents for forbidding him from getting a girlfriend or not buying him a toy? At least this kid meets the right person, the other guys might rape or kidnap him and blackmail his parents if they found a good looking boy in a fancy looking outfit, well, a bit dirty though. But no worries, he is a good gangster and a good gangster will show an innocent and miserable creature a way to free itself from grief. The man is in quite an excellent mood as his girl just gave him a good fuck, so he is kind of generous now. He shoves his hand in his pocket and pulls out a small plastic zipper bag with some tablets in it, then offering it to the kid who is still watching him the whole time with a tear staining face.

"Take it, little rat, nothing else will do. Get outta here, enjoy it, and get your ass home with mommy and daddy. The alleys are for adults to make a business."

It does not take Loki long to digest what the man implies, he is a drug dealer, and who Loki is to deny the man's generosity? He does not really intend to use it, but taking the gift and leaving may be the better option than just staying still, the situation is awkward, letting someone witness how woeful he is.

Loki pulls himself up and weakly makes his way out of the alley. The drug dealer pleasingly watches the kid taking himself outside of his place of business, he has shown the rat a tool to get to a whole new world, discover it or not is his choice. But the man is sure those amphetamines in the bag will be empty tomorrow.

Roaming like a stray animal on the sidewalk, the small bag is still held in his hand. Loki stops as he looks at it, three tablets, drug, should he... and why should he not, though? He has nothing left to care about, his future? His family? His wellbeing? Who cares? No one gives a damn about an illegitimate loser. And if Loki does not even gives a damn about himself, then what restrains him from using this thing that was implied as an elixir by that drug dealer?

With that thought in mind, Loki open the zip bag, determinedly shoving all of the tablets into his mouth, he can hear his teeth are crunching them, he swallows it, the taste is odd. Loki waits for what happens next, waits for the drug to kick in, deciding to go home with mommy and daddy as the man told in the meantime. Each step starts to feel so light as if Loki is walking on a cloud, he can sense his energy is coming back and the fatigue is fading away. His eyes are wider and wider that Loki almost believes they are still stretching even though the limit is reached, the eyeballs are going to pop out of his sockets! They are going to drop to the ground and melt into a metallic smell liquid! The more he walks the higher he gets.

The pain in his heart is slowly blurring, and Loki needs more, more, more and more of something to wash this pain away immediately, the confidence is rapidly building up inside him that another drug will help, more powerful than ever before. Loki frantically rushes to find something else, before he can realise where he is going to get another elixir, he finds himself leaning against a pillar of a gas station. No one is here, only Loki with some flying insects attracted to the station's lights.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki gets high, he goes to his biological father's house, being delusional that this is his home (Odin's house, and the set up: Loki's room is in upstairs, coincidentally matches with the location of Laufey's room) his "father" is cheating on Frigga, he kills Laufey and the woman. After that, he burns the house and comes "home".

This place is so desolate, even in the city that never sleeps, he feels like he is all at sea, not knowing how to find more drug. This is not the time to get back to reality, not yet, Loki does not want reality, he finally gets something to soothe his misery, he is no going to miss this wonderful chance to come to heaven.

Some rocks are limping towards him, such ugly and lump rocks. They stop at his feet, looking at Loki with their monolid eyes for a moment and laugh at him, they scoff that Loki is a stupid sperm that leaks out of an old condom. He feels his face turns red, blood boiling in his vein. He is not! These damn rock! He is not...

Loki attempts to kick them hard, but his leg just goes through their bodies as if these brash rocks have the ability to become invisible and intangible like Cheshire Cat. They jump ecstatically in their small victory and flock to the bushes nearby and disappear. These moron stupid rocks, Loki curses, then he hears an eerily creaking sound behind him, turning back, he sees a two feet long arm peeks out from a fuel dispenser at the other side of the station, its skin is dark red, reminding Loki of Satan, its black fingernails are long and sharp like claws. He eyes the arm in bewilderment as it is moderately beckoning him to come nearer, after some minutes of standing in hesitation, Loki decides to do as is asked. The patient movements of the arm are what encourages him, he wobbles to the dispenser and stops in front of the hand, it is bigger than Loki thinks. The friendly and evil red hand shows that it is satisfied with his action by rubbing its index finger against Loki’s head so gently. He leans into the touch, it feels so much better now. Suddenly the hand pulls back, making Loki whine in protest, he frowns at it but then his features ease again as the giant hand points its finger at the fuel dispenser. He does not get it at first, the hand is still pointing at the dispenser, constantly, and finally, Loki figures out it wants him to get some gas. He luckily finds an empty gasoline can that someone littered nearby, deciding to pump the gas into it then. Loki picks the can up and pours the liquid full to the brim. When he is done, he holds the now heavy can up and shows it to the giant red arm but it has disappeared.

Loki is dazed, he has no idea what to do with the can and starts to question what the arm means. Before Loki can even think about putting the can back in the ground, the gasoline smell rises up into his nostril, he unconsciously takes a deep inhale, feeling so fresh.

He strongly believes the friendly arm implies this, this can be his drug, he can sniff it, sniff the gasoline and get high. It is cheaper than any other drugs anyway, for sure! Loki holds the can close to his chest, he sniffs, sniffs, sniffs, and sniffs, sniffs so many times and he begins to lose count of it.

His limbs start feeling weak, dizziness knocks the door of his head already, Loki pulls his nose out of the brim to cough, maybe that is because of the weather, he supposes. It is time to get home then, as the drug dealer said, get home with mommy and daddy. Loki should go home. His lovely family is waiting for him, they must be worried right now.

Loki wobbles to his home, he sniffs gasoline while weakly takes one step forward, then one more step, then one more, on and on, his muscles are fatigued but he never stops walking, carefully not to stumble, the sidewalk is becoming narrower and it is hard to balance on the small path, lava is rising on both sides, he will be burnt alive for sure if he falls, must be careful at all cost!

Eyes glassy, eyelids heavy, Loki keeps stepping, one, two, three, one, two, three, staggered and unsteady. It is hard to stay awake, Loki is high like a kite. He counts upon his instinct to find his way back home, confident that he can, of course, he remembers the _address_ very clearly.

But...

Why does the street look so different?

Those houses, these trees, that street light, this lawn, everything looks completely dissimilar compared with the usual. Even when he reaches his house, it is also not familiar at all. Loki squeezes the can in his arms, wondering what is happening, and then it hits, maybe these things are made on purpose, oh he almost forgets, all of the members in his family are actors and actresses. How can he not remember that? Is everybody making a film now? At this ungodly hour? What kind of film that you all have to prepare literally everything like that? A realistic film about family? Haa... Are the four of you play another fictional happy family?

Loki notices the door is ajar, he pushes it with one hand and goes inside. The furniture and decorations are also foreign, now what? What is the meaning of all of these jokes? Loki sees no fun in them at all. Father, mother, siblings, you all have a cruel sense of humour.

Loki decides to ignore them all, they are definitely filming, not his business then. He heads to the stair to go to his room. Damn it, some glass wind chimes keep floating around him all the time since he got home. They are talking about nonsense things like he should not go upstairs, there is something children should not see, let daddy have some fun...

What the heck? Who cares? Loki just wants to go to his room, there is nothing to do with his father. The door of his room is also left ajar, there is someone in his room, how can people in this house enter his room arbitrary like this? Loki puts the can on the floor and peeps through the opened door, curious and furious at once, the dim moonlight that comes into the dark room is what helps Loki navigates. There he sees, his father is naked on his own bed, underneath him is someone else, someone else, Loki eyes wide open, that man is fucking someone! On Loki’s bed! Not his mother!!! The glass wind chimes sing "we told you so, we told you so".

Anger bubbles inside him, Loki gets mad, his father is cheating on his mother right in his son's room, how dare he? This cannot be forgiven.

He storms in the room, the couple flinches and looks at him in confusion, then his father shouts at him, the woman frantically tries to grab the blanket to cover her naked body. Loki cannot hear what the man says, his ears are suddenly full of buzzing sounds. One of the wind chimes flies out in front of him and points its windcatcher to the gun on the nearby cabinet, he snatches it without hesitation and pulls the trigger at his father's head. The man collapses above the woman, she screams in horror, her high-pitched voice annoys Loki, so he determines to silence the bitch by rushing to the bed and forcing the barrel into her mouth before firing again.

The woman finally knows her place, she should have been silent in the first place. Loki watches both of them sleeping so peaceful in his bed, he has no idea how to wake them up and ask them to get off his room, he is tired, he needs to rest but why these people do not let him to? Maybe a bit noises will help, Loki points the gun at his father's body and fires again, hoping the man would be woken up by the noise, but nothing happens. Loki huffs and gives up. The night's chill becomes noticed, he shudders, thinking about warming himself up.

The wind chimes ring in bliss, they follow Loki to the door, flying around the gasoline can until he picks it up and returns to the bed where he pours the addictive liquid on his father, well, his father is not good for cheating on his mother but Loki still cannot let him catch a cold, Loki is a good boy, is he not, papa?

He then searches for a lighter, damn it, they even redesigned everything in his room for their sham and fake family film! Eventually, Loki gets a lighter, he is freezing already, and he gets a fire, it is so warm now. And oh the smell of flesh burning, like a good barbecue. Loki stands silently to enjoy the pleasant aroma, but shortly thereafter the room becomes so hot, he grumbles and leaves the house. It is time to go home with mommy and daddy, they must be worried.

By the time Loki gets home, it is around 3 a.m, this time, the house comes back to normal, what is more is that his family is in the living room, waiting for him. How sweet. It is Frigga who hastily run towards him to see if Loki is okay, she hugs him and rubs his back, saying that she is sorry for everything. Odin is sitting on the couch, he does not say anything, only his features are a bit easing. About Hela, she pulls her phone out and calls Thor, telling the guy to get back home, there is no need to find Loki anymore, informing that he has come back, and the voice at the other end crumbles "Fucking waste my time! Fucking troublesome asshole!" with a car engine noise. Hela hangs up, hoping her mother did not hear what Thor said, but it is not her business, and she returns to her room.

His parents ask him to sit on the couch, they have something needed to say, Loki does. They, well, tell him about the past, about their marriage and about his birth, Odin apologies for treating him so harshly, for letting emotions override his thinking, Frigga too, for hiding the truth. Or something like that, Loki is not sure what are they saying, his ears are buzzing again, he is still so high, just sitting there with his head bowing, waiting until they are done so that he can go to his room and rest.

Well, the drug dealer is right, the amphetamines are used and Loki is in his home with mommy and daddy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Background information: 
> 
> In this story, Loki is Frigga and Laufey's biological son. It started with Odin and Frigga got married and had Hela and Thor, then they divorced. Frigga lived with Laufey and had Loki, once again, she separated with her new partner and remarried to Odin. They hid Loki's lineage and muzzled the media due to not wanting to create scandals.
> 
> Wait, do I make it clear 👀 shit, my English:((


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki realises he loves drugs.
> 
> Steven is here! Blondie asks Loki out.

Things go back to normal right away, it feels like nothing has happened except the fact that he is adopted. Loki remembers he learnt about that and ran away until his lungs were empty, then he got home, having a real talk with his parents and everything was settled down pretty easy.

Only one thing is fresh is that Loki has recently discovered he holds a great interest in being a kite, or in other words, he loves drugs. Just that. He dumps most of his money into them like some humans love dumping trash into the oceans, there is never a limit to stop doing that. And just like what is known widely, Loki understands the consequences of both of the actions. The water is going to be polluted, sea animals are dying, climate change is happening, so are his body and his life. He knows drugs are going to do him no good, but he is unable to stop, at least not now when he is merely a starter, using a little of them is fine, dumping a little of trash is fine. Some humans will never want to learn a lesson until it is too late.

In his vague memory, Loki recalls someone gave him a little bag of tablets that flew him to nine clouds. He just regrets not remembering exactly who that person was and where the place was to get there a have more.

He begins with something simple, sniffing gas or helium, using painkillers or sleeping pills without a doctor's advice. He learns related things through the Internet, finding which drugs are legal and which are not, it does not matter when he always ends up getting both kinds, Loki assumes he just learns that knowledge for fun. Before long, cannabis, tranquilisers, and ketamine become items that are completely indispensable to life. Loki has them in his pocket or backpack even when he is in school. He knows he could buy himself a ticket to go straight to prison if he got caught using them in school, but is it a big deal for anyone though?

And he hates school, but going there is a must. Coming from a reputable family does not mean everyone always flatters him to get some fame. Loki has gotten used to being teased for having a small and lean body compared to his peers, his classmates like to gossip with each other about the way he looks, what he wears, his manner, they do not spare even trivial thing to bad mouth about him. Going to school is nonsense, spending time in the classes is a waste of time, and no one can blame him for thinking that way, Loki is sure about that.

But at least he does not loathe it, and there is only one reason why.

Steven Rogers, people usually call him Steve.

He is older than Loki, with golden hair that is shiny like a sun, and warm ocean eyes with glamour whenever he smiles. So far, Steven has been the only one who does not hold any ill will toward Loki, and he is grateful for this. He protects him from the bullies, always friendly and gentle, although Loki thinks that Steven treats everyone with that same manner, that Steven does not have any special feelings for him, he cannot help falling for those ocean eyes. Steven just like a big brother to him, more than a brother, if he is honest with himself, better than Thor, this is an unfair comparison to say that though.

* * *

Loki stands on tiptoes, trying to reach a book in one of the high shelves in his school's library, the memory of what happened at his house when he was doing this same kind of action flashes back, making him get worked up. Loki grimaces, already cursing in silence, then he sees a large hand going up to grab the spine of that particular book he is attempting to get. He stops trying and turning to look at whoever is doing this, his eyebrows raise and his eyes widen slightly. Here stands the golden prince whom everyone admires, with a warm easy smile as usual, Loki almost soaks into it, and he desires to.

"You can always ask someone to help you, you know?" Steven says, giving Loki the book.

"Thank you, Steven. Maybe I've gotten used to being on my own." it is just an excuse for the truth that not everyone seems to gladly give him a helping hand or he is so shy to ask.

"Surely you can count on me, hun." Steve snickers when he notices the other's cheeks redden.

_Did he just call me..._ Loki wonders, having no idea how to reply, so he just sheepishly smiles, hoping it will not make him look silly in front of his crush.

"Hmm, hey, Loki. I actually have something to ask." Steven pauses, analysing Loki’s attitude to decide if it is okay to continue. His eyes gleam when the dark-haired beckons him to go on.

"Well, I plan a two-week trip to Coney Island this summer and it'd be a dull trip if I went alone, so... I just wanted to ask if you care spending some precious times of yours with me, hun?" Steven takes a step toward, closing the gap between them and resting his hand on the shelf that is over Loki’s shoulder, the ocean eyes full of affectionateness are locking in Loki’s emerald ones, expecting a lovely answer he knows he can probably get if he is lucky enough.

It takes a few moments for Loki to digest Steven’s words, the close distance between him and Steven just makes his mind whirls even more. Somehow he manages to squeeze the book in his hold tighter and force himself to says.

"I... I think... Just give me time to ponder..." he knows he is stunned, but who can stay calm when their prince charming is asking them out?

He hears Steven huffs of a soft laugh, "of course, take your time, I'm looking forward to receiving your lovely answer," before leaving.

This is so... great. Can his life be this lucky? But for the one who has self-doubt, Loki is not really overly happy as he should when questions are flooding his mind. _So many people adore him then why does he ask me but someone else? Is this a joke? What should I do? Will mother allow me to go?..._

He just stands there watching Steven reaches the library door, finally deciding it is now or never. Loki takes a deep breath and put the book back on the shelf before running after him, he has no mood to read anymore.

"Steven, I want to go with you."

And he means it.

He wants to go with him, to run away from his life.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki does not remember his homicide, Odin bribes the cops.
> 
> He and Steven have an interesting trip.

Students in his school are talking about the recent news, that one in particular. Loki gradually grows bored to death hearing them rambling about a fire and two bodies inside a house. They were both found dead in the bed and deformed by the fire. Two possible scenarios police provide so far are that some burglar came into the house and took their lives then burned the place down to destroy the evidence, or that could be a reprisal killing.

That is okay actually, but the problem is people seem not wanting to bring it to a grinding halt. Loki means no offense toward the two ill-fated but who does not get tired with only one subject that has no business to do with them?

Even his family were terrified when they watched the news, too. He saw his parents' face turned blue with shock, they discussed about it in Odin's study for hours, but why? Were the victims their acquaintances? The last time Loki checked, investigating criminal cases are not actors' and actresses' concern.

* * *

One day, when he gets home after a long day spending time in the nine clouds with some of his new addicted buddies. Loki finds some cops are sitting on the couch with his father, the adults notice his presence and stare at him in silence. Lying on the coffee table is an opening black case full of money inside, what a waste, Loki mulls over, those dollars can buy him a mountain of ecstasies. Well, the grownup's things, he should better off go to his room and leave them alone. Besides, their unblinkingly gazes give him a very discomfort.

Luckily enough, Steven and the promising trip with him is what maintains Loki’s sanity to survive all of the disturbing things that are happening around him. They begin to hang out more often, to get to know each other.

* * *

Loki follows Steven to find a place to sit, they decided to get to their destination by train. He is excited about being with Steven, in fact, he does not even care where they are going, so long as he can be around his ocean eyed prince, which he sees as a privileged, because of all wonderful people in this world, Steven still chooses him as his companion, Loki will never understand how could it possible. He is just a runt, an... illegitimate son of someone, an outcast that deserves no attention from anyone, is he not?

With a heck of ketamines and ecstasies in his suitcase, Loki forces himself to suppress the uneasy feeling down, his mind constantly repeats that it is okay, Steven will not notice, but he cannot let the unwelcome sensation slide anyway. He is scared Steven would turn his back at him if he knew Loki was an addict. Steven is like Loki's anchor to keep him being grounded, like a ship that needs its anchor to hold the vessel in the place it is supposed to be, without the anchor of his life, Loki would be adrift on the open sea.

But Steven says he has never done any drugs before, then he takes the ketamine and puts it in his mouth.

And right at this very moment, Loki believes they should plan more trips.

Loki thinks it is too hard to describe their two-week vacation. They visit the museum, contemplating the artworks inside, Steven pours he is always dreaming of being an artist. They ride the Cyclone Roller Coaster, Steven tells him to scream until his lungs give out if he wants. They take as many photos as they can, Steven praises him that he is really photogenic. They are hand in hand, watching fireworks at Luna Park on a warm Friday night, Steven says the fireworks look more beautiful when people watch them with their loved one. They saunter on the beach every night for fresh air, Steven relates as a child, he used to go there with his father and he loved it, but when Loki asks why Steven says 'used to', there is just silence lingers in the air. After a long active day, they return to the resort and get high together until the next morning, and in the next day, they will start to enjoy their youths again. Steven says it is nice to have Loki here with him.

Loki thinks they are just two kids who are running away from reality. They talk, about everything and about nothing, they will laugh when the other tells a joke, will look at each other with so much sympathy in their eyes when one of them bare his heart. They lie down next to each other on big rocks below the dunes and watch sunsets. At this moment, the setting sunlight does not push Loki to the valley of grief anymore, he feels at peace instead. They enjoy gentle breezes brush through their skins, bathing in the stunning and warm sunlight, tasting the salty air, and listening to seagulls' squawks.

The hole in his soul, Loki thinks he should take a chance to let the light fulfil it with warmth, still, he has no knowledge whether it is the light of the setting sun or the light of Steven's golden hair.

The shattered piece in his heart, Loki thinks he should take a chance to let the waves wash them away, still, he has no knowledge whether they are the waves of the sea in front of them or the waves of Steven's ocean eyes next to him.

"My father, he once said to me that the sea is infinite and unalterable, it represents the eternality, one can effortlessly drift into nihility if he looks at the sea for so long, because when we look at the sea for so long, the sea will look back at us, and expose our souls," Steven says, still eyeing the sea tinging with the amazing orange sunset.

Loki replies nothing. He knows he does not need to. They both know that. He just looks at that distant horizon, and directly at the sea, letting what the other has said sink into his heart. Because silence is enough. Their presences are enough.

This is enough. Enough for them to know what they are to the other. Enough for Loki to decide he will implant the time they have had together in his heart. Enough for Loki to know he wants to be Steven's and vice verse. Enough for Loki to wonder what the meanings of everything Steven tells him is.

And he fears when this trip ends, he has to go back to the nightmare he cannot help but face it every day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trip ends. Sleepover. Steven's confession.
> 
> Mention of mental illnesses.

By the time they return to Manhattan, it is pretty late in the evening. Steven asks if Loki want to stay over at his home as he is concerned Loki would get himself in trouble if he went home alone in this late hour (given that Loki refused his request to take him home while they were on the train), which the raven-haired eagerly accepts, Loki has not yet wanted to end their time there.

He is a bit nervous during the time they are walking to Steven's home, the blonde does not move out and still live with his family like Loki, and this is the reason he is anxious, what if Steven's parents did not like him? What should he say? How to win over the adults?

Steven laughs and says that it is okay, that he needs not to worry. Here Loki thinks perhaps Steven means his parents are rather easygoing. And he thinks there will be people waiting for them in the living room, with warm smiles on their faces to welcome their son home, at this point, a fraction of jealousy flickers in his heart, Loki wishes he could be like Steven.

But when they get there, only the darkness of the living room that greets them. After taking a shower, Loki asks while drying his hair with a towel.

"Where are your parents?"

The blonde just curls his lips up and shakes his head, which Loki realises that is not a smile. Steven avoids the question, walking straight to the liquor cabinet, picking up one of the Massetos and two glasses.

"Wine?"

"Yes, please," Loki nods.

A long moment of silence fills the living room where they sit on the couch and enjoy the taste of the rich liquor.

"We usually sat here and drank at night," Steven starts.

Loki turns his head to look at him.

"My father and I, I mean," the blonde huffs out a laugh when he catches Loki's confused gaze.

"We were pretty closed to each other like he was a best friend of mine, not just a father. He was... how can I describe... he was an ideal man, a purely decent man who loved his family more than anything. I saw him as my role model, he taught me many things in life, always told me to care about people I love and look after my mother. But he..." Steven slumps on the couch and sighs, "he passed away when I was at your age, car accident, on a business trip."

Loki gasps, he leans slightly to the backrest and stares at the ocean eyes which are now full of somberness, "I'm so sorry..."

The blonde sighs again and shakes his head, then he raises his eyebrows, "that was what I thought."

"What?" a frown faintly appears on Loki’s features.

"Two months after the funeral, I accidentally overheard a conversation," Steven makes a phone-call hand gesture and brings his hand near his ear, "'babe, I did it, we did it, he is dead, his mighty fortune is going to be us! Yes, yes, I did as you told me, babe, I even checked several times if the brake line was still cut and unseen. And the car went straight over the cliff then exploded, haha. Now nothing can divide us anymore... Oh, don't worry, darling, Steven is just a young boy, not a big deal,' and the one who said that," Steven bottoms his glass then says "was the one who gave birth to me."

Loki's breath caught, he gapes at Steven, the glass of wine is held still in his hand.

Before he can force himself to say anything, the blonde continues.

"It felt like someone had hammered my head and cut off my airway. I was transfixed and didn't want to believe what I'd just heard. I locked myself in my bedroom for nearly three days without food and water, didn't even feel starving or thirsty, because my mind was whirling nonstop, and I had been crying until there was not even a single tear left to leak out. That woman didn't care, I suspected she didn't even realize if her son had eaten anything because she was too busy throwing herself to parties, she left the house all days, only got back at midnight, sometimes with a man, possibly the man she telephoned, they fucked loudly in my father's bedroom, that was my father's bedroom, not hers.

I'd wondered why that woman could show no dole and got over the loss so quickly, only five weeks after my father's death, she had already laid down with another man.

I was first... tried to convince myself that she might be devastated so she needed to fulfil her loss, I tried to drown myself in alcohol to not think about that, but after overhearing the conversation, I felt like an idiot for thinking like that.

Then the homicidal impulse made itself noticed in the back of my head, I wanted to revenge, to make them pay their blood debt, especially that woman. I clasped a hilt of a knife many times, Loki, I did clasp it, the urge to stab that woman's skull so deep and cut off her head and bring it to my father's grave was so strong and itchy. I wanted to kill her, wanted to spit on her face and watch her begging for mercy like a pathetic slut.

But then I gave up, not because she was my mother, no. That woman was not my mother, she never was, she was nothing but a betrayer. The only reason I refrained myself was that I'd promised father to look after that betrayal bitch. I couldn't break the promise, and I knew father would not want me to. Therefore, I had to go to a therapist nearly every day, almost spent two whole years in a psychiatric, just to stay sane.

People around me, my friends, they tried to console me on my loss, telling me to get over it. I knew they wanted the best for me, but at that miserable time, there was only hatred budding in my heart. People really didn't care, didn't know the truth, I couldn't tell anybody, couldn't find comfort I needed. They'd tell me to go out more, stop locking myself in the room, eat properly, try meditation, drink more water, and exercise. I imagined that they came to a mountain, spotting a gorge, pour some super glues into it then getting their asses back home.

Every time that slut brought the man home- well, not home anymore, I could only leave the house and ran until my lungs were burnt or punched sandbags until my knuckles soaked with blood.

The grief was cold, I caught that cold, and it nibbled further and further until it reached my lungs, no cure in sight. It hurt whenever I exhaled.

Then just a few short weeks ago, that bitch went out but didn't return home. The next morning, I got a call from the cops, they informed finding her body in a fire. I rushed to the crime scene, that was her lover's fucking house. Yes, the recent murder on the news that the students at our school are chattering about, the female corpse was the bitch I once called 'mother'.

The investigators told me they hadn't gotten any clue, asked me if I knew something. Until now, they haven't found out who did it. People again tried to comfort me, they thought I was depressed, but no..."

Steven stops to get himself another drink, his throat is parched for speaking too much. Then the ocean eyes look in Loki’s emerald ones with so many emotions that Loki has trouble recognising all of them.

"I'm feeling alive than ever otherwise, Loki, I'm indeed grateful for that, whoever did it and whatever their purpose was, I truly appreciate their effort to erase such filthy beasts like them from this world. If possible, I'd like to thank the murder... no, the hero for all they've done.

And you are the first and only one whom I'm sharing my stories with."

Loki swallows hard, he does not know Steven has been through such a tough life. He wants to comfort him, but he has no idea what to say, Steven's confession leaves him speechless. Eventually, he steels himself and whispers.

"Why me? Why not some of your friends"

Steven puts his glass on the coffee table and leans forward to rest his hand on Loki’s. A glimmer of something flickers in his ocean eyes, and Loki is unable to interpret it.

"Because you are different from the rest of them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have trouble deciding if Steven knows Loki is the murderer or not, so I will leave it as a dubious content.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mention of self-harm and drug use.
> 
> Blowjob.

Loki finishes his task and is about to come home, he is stuffing his things to his satchel when a co-worker complains something about the weather.

"Urg, it's hot, how can it be this scorching? I hate August, man. I'm gonna turn into a dried mango."

Loki huffs out a laugh in response and continues packing. The guy glances at him for a moment and then asks.

"Hey, how can you wear that long sleeves in this damn weather? Ain't hot?"

The raven-haired looks at his lower arms, he slowly grabs each cuff and pulls them down to hide the scars on his wrists, luckily the co-worker does not notice as his satchel is placed between them.

"No," Loki says, "I'm used to it. My arms get itchy when I'm not covering them. Gotta go, bye."

"Well, that's weird," the guy remarks before waving his hand, "see ya, Loki."

* * *

"Steven, I'm home." It is around 5:30 p.m when he gets home, Loki drops his satchel on the couch in the living room and turns around to see his lover coming from the kitchen to greet him.

"Welcome home, love." Steven wraps his arms around Loki’s waist and kisses his forehead.

(The two have been living together for three years now. Months after his first night at Steven's house, Loki decided to elope with him to begin their love story because he could not bear living in Odin's house where made him feel like a misfit anymore. At first, Loki was fooling himself by thinking maybe his family would report his missing and try to find him, but time proves otherwise, it seemed like that family was still living their good life despite his absence.

Loki quitted school after Steven graduated, not that he could not afford the tuition, he just did not want to go there anymore when his lover left.

Steven got a job at a gallery right after he left school. Loki found his place as a teacher in a Language Centre, of course with his talent in languages, he did not even need a degree to get that job.

They live a simple life, working, dating, making love, and doing drugs. Not caring about the future. But the past does not seem to make it easy for both of them.

Sometimes they jerk up at night as nightmare biting them to the core in their sleep. The past haunts them like a demon under their bed.

Loki freaks out nearly two days per week, until now he still cannot comprehend why his parents lied to him, he begins to blame them for all of the misery he has been experiencing.

People think he will eventually get used to it, but the beauty of depression is that it will never let its subject acquaint with emptiness. Loki wants to punch into the face of whoever says that things will get better, of course, he knows things will get better, but after they reach that state, they will start to get worse, then they will become the worst. And every worst is truly the worst of the worst. There are always things that normal people do not understand the mentally ill, and the barriers are too thick to provide them with a good look to understand even a fraction of it.

When abruptly waking at midnight, he will rouse Steven from his sleep and weep in his arms until he drifts into a tired sleep again. Steven also has his own problems, Loki knows better than anybody else. They both know they cannot fully count on each other to cure their illness, they are well aware this is 100% their responsibilities, and they agree on that, but at least they are there for the other whenever needed.

One thing the two love about their relationship is that they can still enjoy their own lives. This is not a love story in which one will lift the other when his lover feels down, like it or not, the only thing they can do to the other is to be there and listen with the ear of their heart. And that is enough, they usually do not need advice or encouragement.

If one of them walk in and find the other harm himself, he will get the first aid kit and start to clean the other's wounds and wrap him with bandages, then they will spoon until unconsciousness captures their minds. But after several times of being sent straight to the hospital by overdosing, or losing lots of blood due to cutting themselves too deep, one rule is established that they will never injure themselves bad enough to evoke death.

They do not really want to kill themselves but to feel something, to be reminded that they are still alive. They both need to be on the drive to get through the numbness. And beside sex and drugs, self-injury is the best and affordable option.)

"I want to take you tonight," Steven says with a childish tone, his hand slips under Loki’s shirt and fondle his back sexually, nuzzling his face into the dark-haired's neck.

"But hasn't your wound healed? I don't want you to get yourself hurt that way." Loki whispers, a hand raises to run through the golden hair.

Steven injured himself at his hip eight days ago, he does not usually do it anyway, unlike Loki, Steven does not like leaving any scars on his arms, the more private parts like hips, waists and thighs are better for him. Also, cutting is not really his interest in harming himself, misusing alcohol, punching solid surfaces, or exercising excessively are his first choices. Yet sometimes he likes to have a new taste.

"Mmm, but I want to be inside you." Steven sucks his lover's flesh, leaving there a red mark, the naughty hand glides down and squeezes the round ass, another hand touches his ribs. "A little hurt is good."

Loki sighs smilingly, pulling himself a little apart to look at the blonde, "hey, that's tickle, how about me going down on you tonight?"

"But-"

"No 'buts', darling," Loki interrupts by poking Steven's nose, "no bargain. You'll get your cake when you're fully healed."

The blonde makes a baby pouty face at Loki as they are apart, "am I still stoned or are you slowly becoming a powerful bottom?"

Loki laughs, heading to the bathroom to take a shower as he says, "maybe both, honey."

* * *

They strip each other, their clothes lazily scattered on the floor as Steven sits down on the edge of their bed and Loki settles himself on the floor between his lover's legs. He eyes the cut on Steven's hip which is just beginning to scab, Loki tenderly brushes his index finger on the area near the wound and mumbles with a pensive look.

"This is why I refused to have sex, you know I hated myself even more when you got hurt because of me, or because of fucking me, in particular."

Steven pats his head, fingers playing with the dark mane, "hmm, I don't mind if it is you, though. And," he stops for a second before continuing, "you should work on your self-hatred management, babe."

Loki shoots him a glare and teases, "well, yeah, such a piece of good advice, Mr Rogers. Perhaps I would, if only you did it first."

"Ah, you're right, my sassy prince. Let's keep being toxic to ourselves together."

They both burst into laughter, Loki's hand then leaves Steven's hip to caress his haft hard cock. Taking his lover's moans as encouragement, Loki leans his head forward to pop it in his mouth, tongue dancing around the head moderately, delighting to feel the little monster becoming bigger. One hand embraces the base of Steven's member, another one plays with his balls.

Steven tilts his head back and moans louder with his eyes fall shut, the warmth of Loki’s wet mouth drives him crazy, his fingers dig slightly in Loki’s scalp, enjoying the softness of his hair and urging him to suck. His cock twitches as it reaches Loki’s throat. The slurping sounds echo the room only give him more pleasure.

Loki decides to let out the girth, he presses his thumb against the urethra as his mouth moves down from the head to the balls, sucking and licking as he does. When he gets there, Loki gives each ball a sexy kissing noise, arousing Steven even more. He sucks one ball and then another, using his mouth to playfully pull the precious balls back a little before suddenly opening his mouth widely to free them, watching them vibrating back in place in amusement.

"Aaaaah!!! Babe, I'm getting close!" Steven growls, his gaze now is covered by a thin fog of lust, "your mouth, Loki! Get me your cute little mouth! I want you to swallow it!"

"As you wish, prince charming," Loki chuckles, kissing the length one last time before popping it in his mouth again. Steven groans as he shoots thin ropes deep into his lover's welcome mouth, Loki happily takes them all, his adam apple twitching as he gulps down the pleasant cum. But then Steven tells him not to swallow the last gulp.

When he is done, Steven grabs Loki’s upper arm and pulls him to the bed, they collapse together on the mattress with Loki lying on the opposite side of Steven's damaged hip, and pant.

As soon as he catches his breath, Steven props up, cupping his hand and bringing it to Loki's mouth, the raven dutifully spills the release on his lover's hand. Steven then brings his cum to Loki's entrance, briefly stretching the tight hole open before forcing the condensed milky liquid into the heated wall, drawing such lewd moans out of his lover's throat. After that, he reaches Loki’s neglect cock, it is hard already, he wraps his fingers around the length and bumps it fast until Loki comes hard all over his own body.

Loki pulls Steven's head down so that their lips can meet, his arms rest on the blonde's neck as they kiss passionately. The whispers "I love you" gently guide them into a deep and dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was writing the particular part about the mental and then I noticed my mind was drifting. It has been quite a while since I experienced it again. It's hard to describe, but I'd say it felt like you were a balloon being held, couldn't fly, just stayed floating (yes, floating) and it was rather annoying when you had the ability to fly high to the sky but was kept hanging in mid air instead. No it's not the same with getting high. Those 2 feelings are completely different. I don't know how to express it, but I was startled when I realised that shitty feeling's presence and blehhh...


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki & Sif friendship. They do drug together. 
> 
> Misuse of medicine. Delusional. Depression.
> 
> Sif's fall. She is sent to a psychiatric at the end of this chapter.

Thanks to a friend from work who has introduced Loki her friend, now he has a new drugmate. What Loki did not expect right off the bat was that this new one was so much as the same level as him.

She is a young talented filmmaker named Sif. The two begin to be thick as thieves when Loki abruptly says _humans are born to be nothing but suffering slaves of this meaningless life._

They get along well, Loki usually ends up at her house after shift, they will get stoned for hours until they drift into slumber. Before long, the two find their new favourite candy called Mydayis. For ADHD patients, it is a treatment to boost their focus and dwindle their impulsivity and hyperactive behaviour. As for Loki and Sif, Mydayis is purely a crystal.

The magic that comes along with it can be compared with a present from heaven, Sif habitually describes.

One pill and they can be restless for days. It has been so long since Loki got control of his life. He works nearly fifteen hours a day, his eyelids refuse to fall during four days no matter if he wants it or not, his stomach fades away and stops rumbling even when he does not eat for a long time. The prickling pain of existential crisis has died down as Loki simply has no time to suffer about his being anymore. Mydayis offers him the world, turn it into his oyster. And Loki uses it as a leverage to sweep everything that meant to be his into his net.

Sif, she hoards all of her time for making movies with her eyes roll back in the intense sensation the drug gifts her.

Yet every party has to come to an end and when it does, there are terrors and panics and a salutation to a darker life. The superlative elixir becomes tolerant, it used to take one, now it takes five, and then ten, and then twenty. They once again feel the ground vanishes underneath their feet and something invisible plucks them, sending them under, throwing them back to their pokey. Some nights Loki awakes with a vacant mind, only to find himself on the cold floor, not knowing how many days have elapsed, not having any knowledge of the previous day, even not getting how could he get back to his home with his boyfriend.

When Loki comes to Sif's with some pot cookies, she is there on the floor, languidly waving him, "hey, bro, I've got more. Let's get another trip, don't worry, nothing can get worse. If it can, then death, at the most," she smilingly pokes at the new bag of Mydayis. Who is Loki to against her?

The acid trips trigger paranoia.

Loki starts to see hideous figures roaming around his room, feel cockroaches crawl up his feet so dreadfully. Insomnia hits him hard, when he forces his dilated pupils to be covered, there are eyes watching, examining him. Eyes that only Loki can sense.

Sif screams at the wall separates her apartment with her neighbour's, yelling them to turn off the noisy crackling radio, except there is nothing behind that wall.

The distort figures begin to form, and Loki looks at those people whose appearances are like Picasso's paintings, and he opens his mouth to talk to them.

Sif stays in her room for days, rejecting to go outside as she thinks some stalkers have their eyes on her. She states she will become the best filmmaker, then beginning to work on it ceaselessly, telling Loki the movie about her own life will climb to the top of IMDb.

After three months of suffering in her own memories to milk every quintessence of her life and pour it in her soon-to-be best legacy. Sif launches it with confidence her vivid dream is going to become true.

The result comes out is completely different, in hindsight, it truly derails her life. The movie is criticised as a bad image which comprises negative impacts on teenagers and the mentally unstable, due to its intensity of self-assault and extreme perception against social beliefs. It is ranked as one of the worst.

Sif is utterly devastated as she hits the rock bottom. She turns everything upside-down, gobbling up every single meth, speed, and ecstasy she can find, letting herself to be out of her depth. And the most guilty feeling Loki has ever experienced is that he does not know how to help his friend. He is the worst. She is the worst. They are alike. And if Loki cannot help himself, how can he help her. He can only stand and watch his friend slipping, promises her he will be running right behind.

Then one night, after Loki has bottomed his second purple drank and slumped into Steven's chest, he gets a call from Sif.

"LOKI, HELP ME, I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME LEFT! THERE'RE PEOPLE WITH SNAKE FACES EVERYWHERE! THEY WANNA KILL ME! THEY'RE TRYNNA GORGE MY EYES OUT! HELP ME! THIS PLACE IS NOT SAFE ANYMORE, LOKI, I HAVE TO---"

He hears a rattling sound, following with Sif's panicked breath and footsteps, everything goes silent. Loki holds his phone stiffly. It costs him a long moment before he can look at his boyfriend, who seems to be on the same page as him. Steven frowns perplexedly.

"Is she also high?"

"Probably..." Loki says, they gawk at each other for a second, wavering, unsure of what to do because they are being high, too.

At last, the couple gets up to put on some clothes without a word. They rush to their friend's house without any ideas about how could they get there. The apartment is disorderly, not worse than yesterday when Loki left, Sif's phone is on the floor, the window is wide open. She must jump out of here from that way.

Three days after, the police find Sif. Loki visits her at the psychiatric, the paramedics struggle to keep her still. She shrieks, writhing, and thrashing around aggressively like a wild animal. She assails a nurse and the doc has to inject her a maximum dose of sedative.

After the visit, Loki realises, his friend is no longer the Sif he knows, he is also no longer himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sif is a leverage, I am so callous, sorry Sif. 😭
> 
> We need this chapter to drag Loki and Steven out of the mud.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The couple go to rehab, they recover and start to rebuild their life.
> 
> Thor appears and ruins everything. Sexual assault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm three years clean of cutting now, 🥺 it was touch, 🥺 it was such a hard time. 🥺 I also stopped abusing myself with alcohol and sleeping pills, or starving myself. 
> 
> The last time I cut myself, it was the first time I attempted suicide, one of the strange things was that back then I didn't feel hurt, me at the present is questioning how the old version of me could gather enough courage to do it. 🥺
> 
> Then I starved myself for a long period right after I had my cut stitched, before long, I had a stomach ache that sent me straight to the hospital. After that I barely dare to starve myself again, stupid me.
> 
> Only now do I realise I'm a suicidal survivor, hey myself, have you been sleeping all time before? 😂 Such an obvious fact.
> 
> Now I'm lying in my room, on my bed where I failed ending my life, wow. The bloodstain is somewhat here as I couldn't wash them away (and haven't wanted to change the sheets, it's here as a memorial, sort of, it is three year-old haha) 
> 
> Old me wouldn't have believed what I am now if she had a change to witness. Damn, from a non entity to at least somebody 👀 my greatest progress so far without any therapies. Though depression, anxiety, self-hatred, existential crisis, and some more unnamed shits have still accompanied with me but I handle it in a fancier way than before, haha. At least I get rid of self-cut.
> 
> It is Marvel, especially Chris Evans and Captain America who are my lifelines, and I cling to them to escape these mental illnesses 😭 I hate therapy, it won't help, in Vietnam, the stigma is still so big.
> 
> I must thank that hard time though, as my mindset now is "if I couldn't die at that time, then there is nothing that can be scary or impossible. I am just shy. My negative thoughts are what prevent me from discovering my full potential. Go get it."

After witnessing what happened to Sif in the psychiatric, Loki puts up with his decision to get treatment. He convinces his boyfriend to go with him, who is reluctant to do so.

Needless to say, the programs they have to work through are literally tough, they themselves know these are not fancy processes with silk carpets lie out underneath their feet. 

Each step is a nightmare, Loki shrinks in fear every time his therapist asks him to describe his mood. His skin itchy when the medication reminder chimes. The doc replaces the couple's drugs with some milder ones and then slowly cut all off, several practices are made to refrain them from hurting themselves. The temptation to pin a knife on his flesh is so big whenever Loki holds one, it is hard not to fulfil that want, but he manages to turn it down eventually. 

Gradually, Loki freaks out every time he has to lie down on his back, there is something there, something invisible that presses him down, makes him sink in whatever materials he is lying on. Each morning when waking up, he finds no energy to get up to start a new day but question the purpose of his life instead. He feels something is watching him at midnight when his eyelids are heavy enough to drop. There must be something there. And it is barely different from the drugs - what the meds provide him. Loki begins to assume doctors are those drug dealers who have an M.D. degree. He is so frightened, he cries about it with his doc, who calmly explains these are just side effects and encourages him to hang on.

Steven tries to help him with what he can, which Loki cannot be more grateful for. Loki finds it is humorous when he was the one who insisted on going to rehab first and his boyfriend almost refused, yet now Steven is making quite great progress than Loki himself.

He sometimes loses his purpose and ponders why he has to make it hard on himself. Are give in and let the monster consume him not easier? Are drugs not better? But then he remembers his friend's face in the psychiatric, remembers the foaming at Sif's mouth with her eyes wide open but completely white, and he carries on. His treatment is like a journey of climbing up to an endless staircase. He does not know what will welcome him, he just step by step climbs up one tread, and he falls two or three ones, and he climbs again, and he falls, and he climbs - trying to stay at the very top of his best.

After their 120-day rehab programs, they do not even recognise themselves as they look in the mirror. Two completely different people with bright-eyes, glowing skin, and physical fitness are looking back at them. Even their facial expressions are full of vitality.

At that moment, they both agree this is the best decision they have ever made in their life. They close their old book and open the new one to continue their love story, so to speak.

The lovebirds are now awarded a beautiful life.

And they live happily ever after.

Or do they?

If they did, there would never have a saying 'life happens' or 'life is unpredictable'.

One night when the couple is eating at Eataly NYC Flatiron, it is quite deserted now as there is not much time until the place closes, customers are making their ways home, only fewer people are lingering. Loki stains his sleeve and hand with the ketchup by accident, so he excuses to go to the bathroom to wash it and urinate as well. 

As he is washing his hand one last time before reuniting with Steven and going home, a hand suddenly grabs a handful of his hair from the behind and brutally knocks his head against the counter. It is too fast. The impact draws a painful yelp out of his throat, vibrates in his skull, and blurs his vision. 

Whoever the person that attacks him is, they do not give him even a microsecond to gather himself together. They repeat the action and Loki feels warm blood pouring down his face.

Loki squeezes his eyes shut, stiffens himself, and props his arms up on both sides, these are the only things he can do to endure the onslaught. His cries do not help as no one is nearby. He is yanked up roughly by one hand, another one presses his lower back hard against the countertop edge.

"Look at yourself, you pathetic faggot."

He knows this voice...

Of all possible assailants, this one is the last thing Loki can suspect.

Disbelieving, he peeks out and still doubts even when both of his eyes are fully round, shock crosses his face, his mouth drops open slightly, breathlessly.

The figure he sees through the mirror in front of him is...

... Thor?!

What?! 

His body freezes, his head hurts, his mind dazed. Loki is completely mentally blocked.

"Don't act like you don't remember your big brother like this, little bitch." Thor curses, his bulge squashes against Loki's behind, makes he feels something is jabbing to his ass.

Loki is all confused. His tongue abruptly becomes numb, causes the situation is more helpless.

"I've been waiting for this moment for so long." Thor slams Loki's head to the counter again, then twists his hand around the dark locks. His hair is strained, Loki clenches his teeth, hurts... He understands nothing.

The sound of a belt being unbuckled breaks the sudden silence, next, the zipper fly. These sounds echo over and over in Loki's head. He feels his own shirt is pulled up and pants yanked down. He knows something bad is going to happen, but his body turns limp and can only let himself being exposed. 

Right when his foggy mind is somewhat clear, he hears Thor babbles, "you're the reason my youth went to shit. Fucking slut. Mother is not here, Imma make you pay off your debt."

With that, Thor ruts into him, hastily, like a dull dog in heat. Loki goes to make a shrill cry but a big callous hand blocks his airway, only wheezing and gagging sounds thread their ways through his throat. Tears spill over his face.

_Steven..._

It is painful, he is dry, no prep, no willingness, no of everything. Yet the vast panic inside him is not flocking into the fact that he is raped ferociously and incestuously but the haze void where puzzles hang in nothingness.

_What the hell is this repulsive bastard talking about?_

Thor's hand smacks Loki’s ass before snatching the rubber sink stopper to plunge the drain. Only then does he start to fill the sink with water. The process goes simultaneously with every thrust stretching the bloody hole. 

Upon hearing Thor turns off the faucet, Loki's head is immediately forced down to the water. He instinctively holds his breath and struggles to fight back, though he knows he is flogging a dead horse, Thor is stronger than him. Loki endeavours not to breathe until his lungs are burnt into ashes, until he is at his break point, follows by the gurgling sounds of suffocating that echo the bathroom. Through his agony, Thor's horseshit babbles sound. 

"Mother's always-" 

Shove in. 

"Strict 'bout-" 

Press down. 

"Gettin' near you-" 

Pull out. 

"Since-" 

Haul up. 

Loki's waist is pressed violently to the edge, he feels like it is cutting to his flesh. His head is ducked in the water and lugged up in sync with the rapist's meat weapon thrusting his tunnel. 

Thor tilts Loki's head back to look at him, the onslaught stops but the filthy cock is still deep inside his ass, "since she saw me trying to paw you when you're six. Father knew and he punished me by cutting me off financially. I had to make ends meet at the age of thirteen without a single penny, while still living in a fucking luxury mansion! All because of you dumb faggot!"

Thor continues his assault, thrusting into Loki fiercely nonstop, "your fault!"

He slaps Loki's face, "for seducing me with your aspect and ruining my life, half-blood faggot!"

"I've stalked you for so long, just to wait for this moment of vengeance. It's your and our parents' fault for making me aching from waiting to fuck you while having to pretend I didn't care to fool our parents. I would have raped you long ago if no one had found out."

Rage stabs through his dazed mind. Loki wants to kill Thor right now, but he also wishes he was dead, the pace is extreme, he cannot even get used to it, and his brain is also being fucked by this psycho's nonsense. 

Hot fluid shoots inside him, at least it gives Loki a bit of relief as he knows Thor is about to finish. He wants nothing but to be let alone.

Thor shoves in one last time before he lets go, a thin string of cum briefly connecting the tip of his cock to Loki's pucker. Loki collapses to the floor as the bastard pulls his pant up. His chest heaves with each gasp, the whole body is flaccid.

"Only five mins passed? Guess I should grant you some more gifts." Thor presses his dirty boot on Loki's throat and weights him down.

Loki chokes violently, a thought that his neck is going to be broken and he is going to die there suffocates him. This bastard has dragged him through all of the miserable things and it just takes five minutes? Fortunately enough, Thor removes his foot right when Loki is about to pass out. But he does not know if he is grateful for that.

The bastard kneels on one knee and starts to punch his face on and on. Loki has no breath at all to cry. His flesh is raw, swollen, wet, and sore when Thor is done.

The rapist stands up and takes a disdainful glance at Loki, "that used dirty hole is not as good as I thought, you should have let me take your virginity, hah. Lick my sweet cum out of your own ass like a dog, give it a taste." Then he flees. Leaving Loki to lie there, hurt and exposed.

Right when Thor closes the exit door behind him, Steven comes running from the restaurant to the corridor that leads to the bathroom.

A smooth escape.

* * *

Steven anxiously strides to the bathroom to check on Loki. Dwadling is not his lover's habit, he suspects something is wrong, and the restaurant is beginning to close.

Steven is alarmed and breaks into a run towards Loki when he finds his lover lying stock still on the floor, his torso is wet, blood and swellings cover his face, a large bruise is on his waist, and his pants are pulled down, there is also blood on his inner thighs.

"Loki!"

After reaching out to help Loki get dressed, he swiftly manages to call 911 with his shaking fingers and carries Loki on his arms to get out of there.

All Loki can do is sobbing against Steven's neck, but he seems relieved now, because Steven is here.

"Loki! I'm here, I'm here, babe! Stay with me, you're strong, you can get over it. The ambulance is coming. Loki, it's alright. Be strong for me."

His voice... Steven's voice... Steven is here... 

Loki has to be strong for him.

* * *

* * *

Author's words:

"Loki freaks out every time he has to lie down on his back, there is something there, something invisible that presses him down, makes him sink in whatever materials he is lying on."

It literally feels like this:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT, SO NOSTALGIC👏🏻😂
> 
> Actually, I threw myself to a psychiatric, the doc asked some simple questions about how I felt, why I was there, if I had a lot of trouble at school or I failed lots of classes, how many scars in my body, then he prescribed me some meds. It was the best at first but after about two months, things got worse, depression and anxiety attacked me on and on again, the meds fueled them. It felt like something was pressing me to the floor every time I lay on my back, and I was scared. I didn't know if I was delirium, but one night, I felt someone was watching me as I slept, then my arm was pulled up in the air like, well, some scene you often see in possession horror movies, I startled and fully awoke, then the feeling of someone watching me faded away. It sounded fake, I know, but I did experience it. I stopped taking meds for a while and only picked it up where I left off when my mom insisted me to, and at that time, the doc explained I had to endure it because that was how depressants worked, and they only actually exerted their effects primarily at the 6th month or so. But then again I couldn't take the meds anymore, so I quit and started to get by shit on my own until now. 
> 
> Anyway, this 👆🏻 is to explain that I have had no experience of what healing feels like under the help of the professionals, so sorry if I wrote that part so implausible 🙏


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki reveals who the assailant was. Mental breakdown. Cuddle and sex.
> 
> Steven prepares a birthday present for Loki.
> 
> The present is Thor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did say this story is half based on the truth, did I not? Well, from now on, all are fiction, these horrible things that are going to occur did not happen in real life.

He keeps rocking back and forth, emerald eyes stare into infinite, the large bruises on his face are slowly fading away, but they still look so severe, especially the one on his eye. He intertwines his fingers with Steven's, tightly, as though he will surely be drowned if he releases.

He has recovered sufficiently to be released from the hospital. He is healing physically but mentally.

For a long moment, they just sit there on the bed, without a word. There are questions meant to be asked by Steven, and answers meant to be revealed by Loki. But both choose to let silence fill the room. Loki has kept his mouth shut since the attack, he has refused to answered questions from literally everyone, including his doctor and the investigators.

(But that did not prevent them from investigating. The lap found out who the criminal was, Steven suspected, the fucking disgusting semen was in Loki's body, but they suddenly closed the investigation with no convincible reason and declined his outrageous protest. Steven wanted this not to end there, he wanted the coward rapist to face justice, but people who enforce justice turned him down and acted as though they had never started an investigation.)

Loki has been at a loss, Steven knows, he cannot blame his love and feels so helpless... It hurts him to see Loki being like this, so lifeless. It is funny how life gives them a fresh start, only to shove them into another abyss again.

"It was my half-blood brother." Loki weakly utters, breaking the silence.

Steven raises his head to look at him, briefly half confused. He frowns and narrows his ocean eyes at Loki incredulously. And then all of the sudden, a surprising rage bubbles inside him, the rage that thirsts to break, to destroy, to end something.

Before Steven can gather himself to say anything, Loki continues, "it was Thor, the rapist." 

Loki begins to bursts into tears, his body convulses, everything is now falling apart right in front of his eyes, all because of a fucking bastard with his garbage ideology.

Steven tightens his hold, he wraps his other arm around Loki and hugs him close, his hand gently caresses Loki's upper arm. The man wants nothing but to soothe his miserable love. 

Loki weeps bitterly against Steven's neck, he chokes with sobs, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... Steven. I'm a dirty slut... I'm a dirty slut now. Filthy... Filthy, a filthy slut..."

_THAT MOTHERFUCKER SON OF A BITCH!!!_

Steven feels his face burns, anger courses through his veins, threatening to outburst. A pang of jealousy stabs deep in his guts. He hates whoever dares to touch, especially damage what belongs to him, and that damn asshole now is still outlaws. Steven grits his teeth, he cannot tolerate Thor and let this slip away.

Loki's cry finally dies down, only sniffing is lingering, he nuzzles closer to Steven, his free hand grabs the blonde's shirt, all acting like he is endeavouring to hold on for dear life.

"I wish that sick fuck died in the most painful way that no one can ever imagine... I wish everyone knew he is a perverted rapist, I wish someone smashed his head into pieces... It hurt, Steven... It hurt so bad... I was scared... I thought I was going to die..." Loki sobs again, the grief is so overwhelming.

Each word sounds so desperate that it is killing Steven. He feels Loki's grief, and he wishes the same, no, he wants that to happen. Tenderly, Steven frees their fingers despite Loki's protest, he places both hands on his love's shoulder and turns him around for their eyes to meet.

"Sweetheart, it's okay. You are safe in my arms, this won't happen again. That bastard can't harm you anymore, I promise, Loki. And you are not a slut. Babe, listen to me, you are my lover, my precious little one. You are not filthy or dirty or anything, okay? Don't ever demean yourself just because of some degenerate."

He speaks as slowly as he can and gives his love time to digest the words until Loki nods. 

"Steven..." Loki cups his face, trying to let their skin get in contact more, he tilts his head to kiss his boyfriend.

A French kiss.

Then they hungrily devour each other, their hands travel across the other's body in sync, it begins to turn into suffocation.

When they separate, both are heavily gasping. Loki leans into Steven, his hand slides down to rubs the blonde's bulge.

"Help me, cleanse me of the dregs that bastard left in my body. Please, please, please." Loki chants desperately.

Steven moans and shoves his love to lie down on his back, jealousy, possessive, and protective hover in his voice. 

Loki trembles in response and urges him to hurry up. He lets Steven quickly pull his pants down and spreads his legs wide, he arches his back and takes off his remaining clothing, displaying himself for his beloved. The ivory skin glows in the dim room.

Steven offs his clothes in a second and snatches the lube on the nightstand, he pours a moderate amount of it in his hand before giving himself a few strokes and stretching his lover. His member is already hard and ready to cleanse. 

"Hurry up, Steven. Fuck me hard with all your strength... I need it. Please... Please..." Loki cries out impatiently as he hooks his legs around Steven's waist in an attempt to drag him close.

The blonde too, cannot wait anymore, he guides his cock to snuggles against Loki's entrance briefly and then plunges all in. 

They both moans in unison, Loki's hands catch his head, slender fingers run through the golden locks. The little hole is spasming, making Steven become harder and faster. He speeds up in a crazy pace to meet his love's demand. The desire to mark Loki, to make Loki full of him is so vehement that he thinks he is losing his mind. Seeing Loki writhing and coming undone like this beneath him, it all feels so right, yes, this is where Loki belongs to. Loki is his, not that damn asshole's.

"Loki... You're mine. Mine!" He breathes out in a husky voice.

"Steven... Steven..." Loki chants his name like a lucky spell, "please... Remind me that I'm yours. Mark me. Print your love on my body. Please..."

Teeth sink down on his flesh, Loki arches his back, a heated tongue is licking his blood, it hurts, but in a good way. Kisses are scattered across his porcelain skin like a blessing, and Loki cannot be more grateful for. He feels so sharp and electric. 

Steven captures Loki's mouth as he hits the sweet spot on and on, turning his love into a completely sensitive creature. Loki screams and spills his seed, decorating their bodies with creamy fluid. In one final move, Steven hilts himself fully within Loki and fills him with hot cum, marking him, possessing him.

Smilingly, Loki welcomes Steven to collapse on him bodily, he drapes his arms around the blonde, legs still hook around Steven's waist, contentedly enjoying the feeling of his boyfriend's length inside him. Steven stirs and repositions themselves, but he does not seem like he wants to pull out, Loki silently thanks him with a kiss on the shiny golden hair. He wants to be plugged like this, to keep Steven's seed inside him and let it wash away the stain Thor left there. 

* * *

When Loki wakes up the next morning, Steven is not there with him anymore, their blanket is covering his naked body. He props his elbow up on the mattress to pull himself up. Steven's cum leaks out of his entrance as he does, it makes Loki tremble and turn on again. His fingers catch the stream, trying to drag it back to his hole. Loki presses his digits at the brim, using them as a plug to stop the priceless cum from seeping out. He moans, eyes desperately darting around to find Steven. He needs to be plugged again.

A moment of misery withers away as Loki hears the door opens, there steps in Steven with a tray of food and drink in his hand. 

"Morning, little one." Steven grins when seeing what his love is doing as he walks to the bed, he puts the tray on the nightstand and sits on the bed to get a better view of Loki fingerings his hole.

"Good morning, my prince charming." Loki beams at him, his fingers is still at his hole, "fuck me again, I want a morning fuck. See? I'm getting horny. Please, make my hole bruised and well stretched again. Can we continue the cleaning?" He knows his seducing voice turns Steven on.

The blonde, however, turns out to be a very responsible boyfriend despite the raging of his member.

"Well, if my sweetheart wants, but you have to have something in your stomach first. After that, you shall have my cock in your ass, hmm?"

He shakes his head smilingly as Loki pouts sulkily but listens to his words. His eyes gleam at the pink hole dripping his white cum when Loki releases his fingers.

They make love again when Loki is done eating his breakfast. Both collapse on the mattress and pant satisfactory.

* * *

Steven's recent absence becomes so often that it is noticed, Loki has no idea what the blonde is doing, he usually leaves in the morning while Loki is still asleep and returns around lunchtime.

Loki is curious, Steven explains he has been preparing a gift for him, tells him to wait. Oh, so that is it, besides, Loki's birthday is around the corner!

* * *

It is a chilly winter afternoon, his birthday eventually arrives. Loki is eagerly looking forward to receiving Steven's present. They are on their way to go to where Steven has placed it. The blonde says it is inconvenient to bring the gift home. That is the reason now they are in their car and heading to the destination. They are in a... forest?

Dusk is enveloping all things, enhancing the mystery of the overcast forest. Snow covers everything in, so white. For a moment, Loki does doubt what kind of gift that has to be hidden so deep in a forest like this.

He also does, in a split second, assume they are going to end their lives there. That would be a meaningful gift, to be honest. What happened to him in the recent past has still haunted Loki in his sleep. Some nights he jerked up with a tear-streaked face, he lost weight, almost cut himself and did drugs again sometimes. All because of the nightmare that rapist had brought.

"You're gonna love it." Steven's voice yanks Loki out of his train of thought.

Only now does he realise they have stopped near an old-looking and abandoned cabin. 

_Oh._

Steven's fingers hook up underneath his chin, tipping his head up to look at the ocean eyes.

"I'll go and check to assure everything is perfect, stay here, okay?"

Loki nods, obediently remaining in his spot as the blonde steps out of the car and disappears into the cabin. It is not so long until he comes back, Steven walks straight to the passenger side where Loki is sitting. He leans down, propping his forearms upon the door, smilingly looking at Loki from the outside and knocking on the window.

"Hey, babe," when their eyes meet, Steven straightens himself and opens the door, "everything is ready, but you have to keep your eyes closed, okay? I'll lead you inside, let's make it full of surprise."

Loki huffs out a laugh, since when does his boyfriend become so mysterious like this?

He closes his emerald eyes, all being curious about what will welcome him in the cabin as Steven guides him in.

"Eyes closed. Don't cheat." Steven repeats, making Loki chuckle.

He hears his boyfriend closing the door behind them, Loki's curiosity is high at the peak, he arches his eyebrows, trying not to peek out.

"Not yet," Steven says. 

They make a few more steps before stopping, then, Loki hears his lover's footsteps circle around and stops behind him.

"Alright, you shall open your eyes and contemplate my birthday gift for you."

Grinning, Loki does as told. What strikes his eyes causes Loki to freeze deadly. His legs become limp, he staggers backwards and is caught by Steven, who supportively grounds him. He only realises now that his breath is unsteady. Loki swallows hard as he turns around to look at his boyfriend in disbelief.

"Why is he here?"

"He is your gift, sweetheart," Steven answers so easily as if there is nothing Loki should be scared of.

Loki widens his eyes and turns his head at the thing behind him as if to confirm it is real.

Sitting on the floor with its face bending down is a person, a man, someone Loki knows, a rapist, Thor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Thor 🌚🌝


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki stabs Thor.
> 
> Steven kills Thor. He then buries the body in chemical.
> 
> Mention of sex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I scanned the whole story and oh my cow, there were tons of grammar mistakes and wrong word usage. 😭 So so so sorry!! I corrected them already, although I don't know if I miss something.

Thor is here, it is Thor, tied up to the pillar... he is different, so different from the image of him inside Loki's head and more like a ragged beggar.

The dim light of the led lantern turns everything into surrealism.

Despite Thor's lowering head, Loki can still somewhat see his swollen and raw face, black and blue marks scattered across the flesh. There is something on Thor's right scaby eye that attaches his puffy eyelids together, that particular scene alone is enough to make Loki's skin crawl, not to mention the questionable bulge where his pupil is supposed to be. Light red blood around his mouth. Looking at Thor entirely, Loki notices some severe long deep cuts display themselves on his body, all are nauseatingly infected, swollen, and have white substances sticking at the surface. Something black stains on his torso, peeking out from under his shabby cloth. There are some teeth on the floor near Thor. A fetid odour lingers in the air which is for sure comes from his filthy condition, a few seconds ago, Loki has merely thought that it is because of musty wood or dead animals around. 

Loki thinks he is stoned, no way... He is sure he is delusional again. Loki gasps and tremblingly grabs Steven's shirt, clinging onto him to prevent himself from slumping, feeling a bit calm as his boyfriend's gentle hands touching his waist. He swallows hard and snuggles up to Steven as close as he can, as though he is scared of being assaulted by the now-injured beast once again.

"Shh, it's okay, little one. I'm here, he can't hurt you anymore, not when I'm around," Steven soothes his love, he buries his nose in the soft black hair and takes a deep breath. He means it, Thor cannot hurt Loki anymore, in fact, Steven has ensured Thor cannot even hurt a fly. A success in turning the bastard into a useless thing. 

It takes quite a while for Loki to control his breath, he looks up at Steven and chokes out each heavy word, "why-why is he here?"

"I did it for you, babe. Didn't you say you want him to get his comeuppance? I made it your birthday gift. Isn't it great?" Steven explains.

They say nothing else as a groaning voice cuts off them, their eyes instantly turn at the source. Thor is wiggling, he then languidly raises his head only to twitch his left eye at the sight of the couple, there is not even a hint of surprise in his dull eyes.

Loki is scared, he does not want to see this man, he wants to run away and hide from his rapist. Thor is wordlessly looking at him, only that is nearly enough to tip him over the brink. Had Steven not hug him close, Loki would have had a panic attack right now. Then he feels something is pressed into his hand, eyes down, a knife appears in view.

"Here," Steven says, folding Loki's fingers to wrap around the hilt, "it's time to take your vengeance upon him."

Loki widens his eyes, feeling a thunderclap headache is swirling that dazes him. His foggy mind tries hard to digest Steven's words. He does not even realize he is holding his breath. Suddenly, Loki remembers what he said in the damaged state of his mind, he did wish for Thor to be like this... And Steven listened to him so seriously and did this... 

Frankly, Loki did not mean what he said, he was just so upset, and tired, and hurt. People usually say mean and cruel things when they are hurt, do they not? He purely wants not to see Thor again... He knows not whether he can keep being sane or not if he sees this guy one more time, and now Thor is in front of him.

"I... I..." Loki stutters, words vanish before they can fly out of his mouth.

"What's wrong, sweetheart? I've fixed that sick fuck so that he can't lay a hand on you anymore. And don't you want him to pay for what he did?" Steve asks, patiently waiting for his love to gather himself together. 

He knows it is rather too much for a victim to face their assailant, but the thing is, karma needs to come back on Thor, and if people who are responsible for carrying on justice refused their duty, then Steven would do it himself, period.

"I... I just..." Loki staggeringly backs away from Steven, which means he is unconsciously getting close to Thor, his eyes wild with fear and the knife is still nesting in his hand.

Before words can be formed and spilt out of Loki's lips, he hears Thor grumbles, "th-there you are, half-blood faggot."

Loki immediately startles and turns around to face the injured man, anger automatically bubbles up to his throat.

"Shut up, dickhead. What did I tell you about not barking like a dog?" Steven's firm voice echoes around the cabin, he literally gets annoyed when Thor dares to chime in his conversation with Loki. Clearly, the bastard has not learnt any lessons yet.

Thor is likely to ignore Steven as he continues to glare at Loki with his left dull eye, "so you g-got yourself a fucking pi-pim-pimp to re...taliate against me? What a-a-a bitch..."

Loki struggles to suppress his ego down, he is damn aware that his hand is holding the knife tighter and tighter. Whether Thor is saying that on purpose or not, he cannot let the words control him.

"That-That's what you ar...e-are, a fuckin'... ugh-ugh h-half-blooood, and a s-s-s-slut. Fa...ther wasn't wrong n-n... when he omitted you fr-from the family when-when you e...loped with that- arg... that pimp," Thor pantingly milks each word out of his bloody mouth, it can be seen that he has no much teeth left.

Steven loses his temper already, he is about to do something but stops when hearing Loki grinds his teeth. 

Thor is mentioning Odin. That bastard knows Odin is Loki's weakness.

"Yo-You are a... a failure. The black sheep of-of our family. You should have knownnn that heee... was disappointed in y-you."

_"You are the black sheep of our family!"_

Odin used to scold him like that, and now it is Thor. Our family... as if Loki is a curse, as if his existence is an error. Loki's legs are shaking, his veins lift out of his skin, visible like tree roots, rage threatens to tear his sanity apart.

"A bitch like y-you... shouldn't hav-have-have been born, father said that. You r-ruinn our l-lif-life, uhg... uhg... unworthy faggot. G-GO THE FUCK TO DIE!" 

Thor gathers all of his little strength left to shout at Loki, and that is the last straw. An emotional outburst wells up and sweeps away all of his sense. His breath becomes rapid and it feels like something is hammering on his head. Loki can only make a few steps towards Thor before collapsing on his knees.

"Why... Why... Why???" Loki cries harrowingly as he crawls to him, the knife is ready in his hand, "WHY?" he stabs Thor's shin, drawing a weakly painful scream from the man's throat.

"THEN WHY DID YOU TAKE ME IN? WHY? I HAD ENDURED AND TRIED TO DO EVERYTHING TO PLEASE YOU! I HAD TRIED TO BE GOOD, BUT YOU ONLY SEE THE IMPORTANCE OF YOUR BLOOD REGARDLESS OF MY EFFORTS! WHY? TELL ME!!!! HE ASSAULTED ME AND OF ALL THE DIRTY THINGS HE'S DONE, YOU STILL FAVOUR YOUR SPOILT BRAT INSTEAD OF ME? WHY DIDN'T YOU KILL ME OR AT LEAST THROW ME AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE? WHY DID YOU TORTURE ME THIS WAY?"

Loki shrieks himself hoarse, his screams drown out Thor's powerless ones as the knife is lifted and lowered on and on to emblem in his dirty flesh, each time, it stabs higher until it reaches his chest. When Loki is done, the man has gone silent already, like a dead machine.

He gasps heavily and brings his bloody hands up to bury his face in them. The sound of his weeping begins to fill the house. He did it... He did it... Relief washes over him. But why is there a vacancy in his chest? Hurt... His whole body begins to convulse. All the time, Loki thought that Odin might neglect and has a little interest in him, but they had lived together more than eighteen years to say at the least, is Odin heartless that much to curse one of his sons for his very existence? But does he acknowledge Loki as his son?

He feels Steven's hand patting his head, that small touch is enough to ground him, and Loki looks up at the blonde with his watery eyes, dropping the bloody knife on the ground.

"Good boy, you did a good job," Steven praises him, contented with the comeuppance Thor has just gotten. That asshole deserves this. But the insult still enrages the blonde, he should have cut off that filthy tongue.

"I... I killed him... Steven, I killed him... I f-feel whole again, and feel em-empty at the same time... I don't understand... It's-It's not my fault, it's not mine, it's his, right?" Loki's voice choked with sobs.

It wrenches Steven's heart whenever Loki has a breakdown, and he doubts his love even has no clue about whoever _'him'_ is. Yet he replies "no, it's not," and starts to strokes Loki's back. Steven helps clean off the blood on the other's face, taking off and putting his coat around Loki's shoulders, he then gently guides him out of the cabin and to their car. His love sinks into a mental stupor all the way there.

"I'll be right back, love. Just wait here for me, okay?" Steven kisses Loki's forehead after carefully putting him on the rear seat. Thankfully, the kiss is enough to pull Loki out of his stupor, and he gets a replying nod. He closes the door and makes his way back to the cabin

The sombre night of the forest mostly drapes over Steven's features, the pale moonlight threads its way through the dense foliage overhead, dedicatedly illuminating his only expression: wrath.

Thor is still there, motionless, like a mannequin. His head tilts aside, the obnoxious face is a mask of agony, his mouth is hanging open and his eye is lifeless.

Steven unties the man, kicking him fiercely. As Thor fully collapses on the floor, he picks up a nearby crowbar before resting his boot on Thor's head.

"Hey, I know you're barely alive," anger lingers in his voice, he stabs the tool's heel to one of the open wounds.

Thor does not reply, of course, he is already numb all over, but it does not matter anyway.

"Loki's third and final wish was that he wanted someone to smash your head into pieces. And guess what, I love fulfilling all of his wishes." 

With that, Steven's boot releases Thor's head. He steps back and swings the crowbar, fiery hatred fills his ocean eyes. At that very moment, Thor's eye tiredly moves to look at Steven, and then the dangerous crowbar blocks his vision, and everything goes dark.

Steven throws the tool away when Thor's head is already turned into mush. He walks to a rotted wood table and returns with a machete. Steven then begins to chop Thor off into pieces.

He drops the machete and pulls out his phone to take some pictures of his artwork before putting on some protective clothing, opening a large H₂SO₄ bucket, carefully putting every part of the corpse in and closing it. Steven quickly cleans the place and take the equipment off before getting back to his love, satisfactorily.

Loki is still there, waiting for him like a lost puppy. His sombre face lights up when he sees the blonde, the sight softens Steven's heart immediately. As soon as he gets into the car and sits next to Loki, his love straddles him.

"Steven..." Loki whimpers, starved for the touch, "inside me, inside me..." He rubs his ass against Steven's lap, he cannot wait anymore.

The blonde dutifully takes their clothes off, two naked couple shivers with cold, they are going to warm each other up soon though.

Their whole bodies are dripping with sweat, their pleasure moans fill the car. Tangling in each other's arms, and they start to feel whole again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why Odin? You may ask, well, I once read Shahida Arabi's words — 'A child that's being abused by its parents doesn't stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself.' yes, I somewhat relate, lmao, and it is a leverage I use to lead this story to its end.
> 
> Btw, two or three more chapters and this one will be done.


End file.
